It doesn’t matter what temperature the room is, it’s always room temperature. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Humor, Perspective, Truth, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have? Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Banking, Irony, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Proportionality, Relationship, Texture, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Efficiency, Logic, Organization, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them? Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Cleanliness, Hygiene, Maintenance, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Escapism, Exploration, Hedonism, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Efficiency, Humor, Impatience, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn’t rise. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Consequences, Darkness, Forgetfulness, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
I have an existential map. It has ‘You are here’ written all over it. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Existentialism, Perspective., Self-awareness, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Humor, Irony, Nature, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there? Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Environment, Perspective, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Caution, Opportunity, Reward, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Humor, Motivation, Risk-taking, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Memory, Nostalgia, Reflection, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
I’m addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn’t matter. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Addiction, Meaningless, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Balance, Fishing, Idiocy, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery’s dead? Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Curiosity, Frustration, Persistence, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know? Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Knowledge, Language, Perception, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Critique, Humor, Society, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Ethics, Plagiarism, Research, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don’t have film. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Memory, Perception, Potential, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Learning, Preparation, Timing, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Caution, Limitations, Resilience, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door? Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Language, Paradox, Perception, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote”, so right before I die I could say “unquote”. Author, January 3, 2024January 6, 2025, Steven Wright, Humor, Mortality, Reflection, 0 Steven Wright Comedian · USA Copy
I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else. Johnny Carson Comedian
I think for comedians, acting is their natural progression. It’s all about progression. Russell Peters Comedian · Canada
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you. Groucho Marx Comedian · USA
